By Allie Theiss, MSc, CSC, ABS
Sex Coach & Integrative Wellness Sexologist

A client recently told me that she could remember the exact date of her last mammogram, her husband’s upcoming dental appointment, and the deadline for renewing her car registration. What she could not remember was the last time she did something simply because it delighted her.

That answer did not surprise me.

Women become very skilled at carrying responsibilities. They anticipate needs, coordinate schedules, manage households, support partners, help aging parents, and often continue working outside the home. By midlife, many have spent decades responding to what life demands from them. In the process, joy quietly slips into the category of “nice, but not necessary.”

Unfortunately, the body does not agree.

Pleasure, intimacy, creativity, and desire are not separate compartments that can remain untouched while every ounce of energy is devoted to productivity. They are influenced by how engaged we feel with our own lives. When days become little more than a series of obligations, it becomes difficult to access excitement, curiosity, or even simple enjoyment.

I hear women say they no longer feel interested in sex, but when we talk further, it becomes clear that sex is not the only thing that feels distant. They have stopped gardening because there is never enough time. Painting supplies sit untouched in a closet. Dance classes were abandoned years ago. Reading novels feels indulgent. An afternoon at a bookstore seems irresponsible when laundry needs to be folded, and errands need to be completed.

Then they wonder why desire feels absent.

Joy matters because it reminds us that life contains more than responsibilities. It allows the nervous system to experience moments of ease and enjoyment. It encourages us to pay attention to what feels good rather than constantly scanning for what needs fixing, cleaning, organizing, or accomplishing.

Think about children for a moment. They chase bubbles, collect seashells, color pictures, and laugh at things adults barely notice. They are not trying to improve themselves. They are simply participating in life. Adults often lose that capacity. Everything begins serving a purpose. Exercise becomes about weight loss. Reading becomes educational. Hobbies become side businesses. Even self-care can feel like another assignment.

Joy asks us to do something different.

It invites us to experience something because it is enjoyable.

A woman in her fifties buys a bouquet of sunflowers during her grocery trip and smiles every time she walks past them. Someone in her sixties begins taking pottery lessons because she has always wanted to try. Another decides to sit outside with her morning coffee and watch birds for ten minutes before opening her laptop. None of these choices solves major problems. Each one creates a small opening where delight can exist.

Those openings matter.

People who seem vibrant and engaged are not necessarily living easier lives. More often than not, they have learned to protect moments that help them feel connected to themselves. They laugh with friends, take spontaneous drives, visit museums, cook favorite meals, or spend time in nature. Joy becomes woven into ordinary days rather than saved for vacations and celebrations.

Desire notices that.

Women who feel more alive often report feeling more connected to intimacy as well. Even when that connection does not occur immediately, joy still improves emotional well-being, resilience, and overall life satisfaction.

Practical Joy Suggestions

Choose one activity you enjoyed as a child, teenager, or young adult. Ask yourself whether some version of it still appeals to you today. If the answer is yes, find a small way to bring it back.

Perhaps you loved making collages.

Maybe you enjoyed riding a bicycle.

You might have spent hours reading mysteries or wandering through antique shops.

Start there.

Do not wait until your schedule is lighter.

Do not postpone it until every responsibility disappears.

Find 15 minutes this week and let yourself enjoy something with no purpose other than making you smile.

Mini Practice: Joy Inventory

Take a piece of paper and write down three moments from the past month that felt light.

Maybe you laughed with a friend.

Perhaps you ate ice cream while sitting in the sun.

Someone may have sent you a message that made your entire day better.

Once you have your list, look for patterns.

Did those experiences involve creativity?

Connection?

Being outdoors?

Playfulness?

Your answers offer clues about where joy naturally lives for you.

A Closing Truth

Joy is not frivolous.

It is not selfish.

It is not something women should postpone until all obligations have been completed.

Joy is foundational because it reminds us that we are more than caretakers, workers, partners, and problem solvers.

We are also people who deserve moments of wonder, delight, and pleasure simply because we are here.

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